Crossing the Bridge

Stones around your ankles.

I seem to never get enough of the walk. Treading rather, through the dull, dry air. That's how it's seems life goes most of the time. Not all of the time, to be fair. In it's defense, life is unusually pleasant. Still leaving a faint hint of unfulfillment, as usual. But right now I'm sitting in my boyfriends apartment, wrapped in a blanket, drinking a glass of Plum Wine. Delicious. Now, I could go on about all the negative aspects that are impossible for me to ignore, but I won't. It isn't interesting enough anymore.

Fuck all that shit.

Fuck being upset and bitter and irritated. I hate it. I've learned a lot, thankfully, in my years hiatus from blogging. Or just my absence from self thought and creative processes. I haven't really written anything meaningful in a while, and I've forgotten how much i actually enjoy just sitting down and letting my mind do all the work. It's nice to visually read what your brains thinking. It's different. Much more thorough than just sitting down and contemplating shit. Which has been taking up, well 70% of my time lately. Shit I am horrible at keeping a clear train of though. Which is exactly why I'm doing this again. No more just talking about how much I'm upset with X and how much X would cure X's problems. Fucking so ridiculous.

I do not have the time for this.

I've spent too much time being relaxed and too much time letting myself grow the balls. My mind is too bogged down with all of it's worries and it's misery. I can hardly speak, I had hardly think half of the time. I was never like this before. Sure I've always been shy, and I've come to the conclusion that that's just going to be something I'll learn to work around. But I saw something today. " Make your self, a good one." And when I first saw it, it didn't hit me. But it's starting to now. I think I understand what kind of person I want to be.

Right now I need to work on the stamina of a my brain. Shit. I'm tired.

Running in Circles

Around my unhappiness.
I can never seem to get enough of it. Or, even for a second, step away. Because even if I feel like I've drowned out the noise enough with something or someone else I've found, I always come back down and realize to put on my glasses. Which I've been wearing more lately. It's funny because I put them on and I immediately feel like "Shit this is what the world looks like." I suppose.
It is easier now to pretend.
I feel like I've gained the ability to simultaneously joke around and smile while also writing a self-deprecating blog such as this. I can have two totally different conversations, one where I'm laughing over something silly from a drunken night, and then perch on the edge of tears and a broken heart. I guess that's technology for ya. We're growing more and more into socially accepted bi-polar beings. And no one has to know it. Hell, I almost scare myself at how much pain I hear in my voice when I sing.
Because it seems to be the only time when I'm being honest.
And there I go again. Falling back into myself. Realizing what I am, what my name is, what I'm doing. It's hard to explain. But it almost hurts. Like I've been thrown back to earth, forced to glare into my eyes in a mirror and realize "fuck." What the fuck am I doing?

I haven't wanted to just write.

More than I do now in a long time.
And now that the page is open, the box is clear, the keys are willing... my mind has gone blank. I've been a cracked shell for the past... let's say 9 months. Slightly exerting small amounts of whatever toxins rest inside. I appreciate everyone who has helped place the bits of tape over the hole but, it remains torn. Right now I'm just feeling extra... lifeless. It's so strange. I had a good night. I've been having good nights. The weather has been warming up to a comfortable level where the sky is blue and the breeze is encapsulating instead of ravenous. There's even the annual St. Patricks day parade in Brentwood a block away from me. But I couldn't bring myself to see the sight. It almost reminds me of times when I was wiling to be innocent and happy.
Don't get me wrong, of course I want happiness.
But I want it in a different form now. Like a beauty magazine. Always having something to say and pretending like it's a different message every month but it's the same with different fonts and colors and models. But I want it dark and mysterious, I want it to search for me and want me. I want it to write me little notes and show me off to all it's friends. Because, god I hate the chase. I tried playing guitar today so that tomorrow when I play with Jackson I'll know what the hell I'm doing. Of course I won't. I really need some lessons. And I guess that's the stage of life I'm at.
The "okay I've been wrong" stage.
I want to be taught the way. I want to quit being upset and sad and defenseless. Someone the other day regarded me as Playful yet Indifferent. And it's not exactly ideal but perhaps it works for now. I've been blinded with making other people like me, trying to fit into their molds. Too bad my love handles spill over the sides.

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I've got ten minutes

At best.
Because I'm strangling time as always. I have work tonight at wonderful Johnny Rockets 4-11 or 10:30, depending on business and if I actually put my mind into doing sidework quickly. Granted it's difficult sidework. Hopefully I get something mind numbing easy like straws, or napkins. I think I've got a clean uniform ready... of course I won't go check. I'll just have to find out when it's too late to do anything about it =).
Just seems to work better that way.
I've been meaning to write sooner, and more frequently. It was actually apart of my new years resolutions... the ones I sorta pretended I wasn't going to make but of course you make them anyway. Well yeah, here sipping away at a Dunkin Donuts "latte" with skim milk and cinnamon syrup. The girl made it a bit too dry for my liking. But yes, of course that's another part of my new years resolutions in effect. Losing weight. Wah wah, yes I know. Right now I'm at a whooping 135lb's. I would love to drop down to a 120. So lovely. Even the number looks lovelier. 120. *sigh* I was exercising and eating salads before, and I lost weight pretty quickly I was a nice 130-128lb's. So I think with the upcoming summer bikini nightmare season, I should have plenty of motivation to get me through that extra 8-10lbs. But that's just me being silly and an insecure female.
Another resolution.
Stop being that insecure silly female. The one who takes sooo long getting ready because she feels like she needs to do a million things just to make herself presentable. And it's so odd at the same time, because I actually feel like... prettier than most other females most of the time. It's just those few times when I see a really beautiful girl or pictures of celebrities looking flawless when I start to feel inferior. So now it's a question of, okay should I focus on getting myself to look like them? Or should I change my focus and re-prioritize whats actually important in life. Intelligence, health, love, friends, family and of course money.
Because money is everything
And that's exactly why my ten minutes are up, 1 minute left to be precise, and I've got to get ready in 1/2 an hour to look pretty for work. *sigh* This was a silly post. But I just had to do it, just to get myself writing again.
Whatever

I don't want to do this anymore.

The rejection only hurts more.
2010 isn't looking bright for me. I wanted to start the year off in a positive state of mind, and it was so difficult to do that trust me. And once things started to feel like they were bearable and that I was strong enough to smile through what I hated one thing had to make me snap. I lost my grip on the strings and I fell apart. For the past four years I've been dealing with the same situations, the same people, the same fucked up feelings the same outcomes. No matter how much I have to put up with some guy who doesn't love me and all his shit, the more it hurts.
I don't want to make a resolution.
I just want people to leave me alone. I don't want to be friends with benefits. I don't want to be lonely all the time. I don't want to be blamed. I'm so tired. I've said that before. I always just make myself believe in love. And it just doesn't exist for me.
I dont have anything else to say.

My favorite season is Autumn

May its air decay within me.
And all the shit that's stuck in there. It's sad. I really do love November, and I have one post to commemorate it's existence and it's past due. Yet, everything is past due when it comes to me. My feelings, reactions, and my understanding. I've done quite a good job of ignoring my feelings last night today. Work has a tendency to ease the pressures of personal woes. I love it for that. I didn't even care that I didn't make much money. I just didn't want to be home, stuck to myself, wallowing in the pool of pity I created. Instead today I cleaning... scrubbed at that, everything I could. Sort of a compulsive behavior I acquire when I feel stained inside. I start to clean everything around me, because those are things I can actually wipe clean. Unlike my heart and my fucking issues.
So here I am scrubbing out the stains.
Pruning my hands in the process. I indulged myself in other peoples lives, their stories and worries. Once in a while I couldn't help but compare their simple quips with their friends and loved ones to the enormous quip raging in me with my friends. Lately I've been hearing a lot of shit. Not like I'm not used to hearing stupid shit spread around about me but this time it was like... everyone who I hold close to me. And close is a stretch. It's like I've been holding people at arms length from me for so long. And now I see that instead of facing them with open palms I'm going to need to start turning the other way. It's upsetting. I can feel tears in my throat but it's not enough to make them come out just yet.
And someone told me I'm just being paranoid.
Well here's to that. First off, nobody pays attention to things that people say. I'm not willing to stand around and put up with people who talk shit about you and act like it's okay to do that. I don't want friends who I can't even talk to about how I feel without telling me I'm overreacting, or I'm stupid. Sometimes I understand that I do overreact to some things that I should just brush off. But it's hard to brush everything off all the time, especially doing it alone. Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and tell me that it's okay to feel how I feel sometimes. That it's okay to be upset and that I'll get over it with time. I hate friends who just criticize you all the time. I hate friends who are never there for you and make up excuses to why they're busy or why you guys should talk later. I hate having friends who follow everyone elses word without having their own opinion. I hate when friends do shit just to make you mad and then act like shit is all better when they explain it was a joke. Once or twice is fine. But you need to grow up afterward. I hate having friends who act nice to your face but agrees with everything your crazy ex says about you. I hate having friends who tell everyone and their mom not to be associated with you because of one fuck up that happened five years ago with a guy who was an overbearing and controlling freak to begin with. I hate friends who pretend they're straight up with you and yet say worse shit to everyone else. I hate when people assume shit about me with very little or no information at all. And I hate having friends who never stick up for you or defend you when you've been defending them for years.
Yeah. You.