Crossing the Bridge

Stones around your ankles.

I seem to never get enough of the walk. Treading rather, through the dull, dry air. That's how it's seems life goes most of the time. Not all of the time, to be fair. In it's defense, life is unusually pleasant. Still leaving a faint hint of unfulfillment, as usual. But right now I'm sitting in my boyfriends apartment, wrapped in a blanket, drinking a glass of Plum Wine. Delicious. Now, I could go on about all the negative aspects that are impossible for me to ignore, but I won't. It isn't interesting enough anymore.

Fuck all that shit.

Fuck being upset and bitter and irritated. I hate it. I've learned a lot, thankfully, in my years hiatus from blogging. Or just my absence from self thought and creative processes. I haven't really written anything meaningful in a while, and I've forgotten how much i actually enjoy just sitting down and letting my mind do all the work. It's nice to visually read what your brains thinking. It's different. Much more thorough than just sitting down and contemplating shit. Which has been taking up, well 70% of my time lately. Shit I am horrible at keeping a clear train of though. Which is exactly why I'm doing this again. No more just talking about how much I'm upset with X and how much X would cure X's problems. Fucking so ridiculous.

I do not have the time for this.

I've spent too much time being relaxed and too much time letting myself grow the balls. My mind is too bogged down with all of it's worries and it's misery. I can hardly speak, I had hardly think half of the time. I was never like this before. Sure I've always been shy, and I've come to the conclusion that that's just going to be something I'll learn to work around. But I saw something today. " Make your self, a good one." And when I first saw it, it didn't hit me. But it's starting to now. I think I understand what kind of person I want to be.

Right now I need to work on the stamina of a my brain. Shit. I'm tired.

Running in Circles

Around my unhappiness.
I can never seem to get enough of it. Or, even for a second, step away. Because even if I feel like I've drowned out the noise enough with something or someone else I've found, I always come back down and realize to put on my glasses. Which I've been wearing more lately. It's funny because I put them on and I immediately feel like "Shit this is what the world looks like." I suppose.
It is easier now to pretend.
I feel like I've gained the ability to simultaneously joke around and smile while also writing a self-deprecating blog such as this. I can have two totally different conversations, one where I'm laughing over something silly from a drunken night, and then perch on the edge of tears and a broken heart. I guess that's technology for ya. We're growing more and more into socially accepted bi-polar beings. And no one has to know it. Hell, I almost scare myself at how much pain I hear in my voice when I sing.
Because it seems to be the only time when I'm being honest.
And there I go again. Falling back into myself. Realizing what I am, what my name is, what I'm doing. It's hard to explain. But it almost hurts. Like I've been thrown back to earth, forced to glare into my eyes in a mirror and realize "fuck." What the fuck am I doing?

I haven't wanted to just write.

More than I do now in a long time.
And now that the page is open, the box is clear, the keys are willing... my mind has gone blank. I've been a cracked shell for the past... let's say 9 months. Slightly exerting small amounts of whatever toxins rest inside. I appreciate everyone who has helped place the bits of tape over the hole but, it remains torn. Right now I'm just feeling extra... lifeless. It's so strange. I had a good night. I've been having good nights. The weather has been warming up to a comfortable level where the sky is blue and the breeze is encapsulating instead of ravenous. There's even the annual St. Patricks day parade in Brentwood a block away from me. But I couldn't bring myself to see the sight. It almost reminds me of times when I was wiling to be innocent and happy.
Don't get me wrong, of course I want happiness.
But I want it in a different form now. Like a beauty magazine. Always having something to say and pretending like it's a different message every month but it's the same with different fonts and colors and models. But I want it dark and mysterious, I want it to search for me and want me. I want it to write me little notes and show me off to all it's friends. Because, god I hate the chase. I tried playing guitar today so that tomorrow when I play with Jackson I'll know what the hell I'm doing. Of course I won't. I really need some lessons. And I guess that's the stage of life I'm at.
The "okay I've been wrong" stage.
I want to be taught the way. I want to quit being upset and sad and defenseless. Someone the other day regarded me as Playful yet Indifferent. And it's not exactly ideal but perhaps it works for now. I've been blinded with making other people like me, trying to fit into their molds. Too bad my love handles spill over the sides.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/IsrafelisFire

I've got ten minutes

At best.
Because I'm strangling time as always. I have work tonight at wonderful Johnny Rockets 4-11 or 10:30, depending on business and if I actually put my mind into doing sidework quickly. Granted it's difficult sidework. Hopefully I get something mind numbing easy like straws, or napkins. I think I've got a clean uniform ready... of course I won't go check. I'll just have to find out when it's too late to do anything about it =).
Just seems to work better that way.
I've been meaning to write sooner, and more frequently. It was actually apart of my new years resolutions... the ones I sorta pretended I wasn't going to make but of course you make them anyway. Well yeah, here sipping away at a Dunkin Donuts "latte" with skim milk and cinnamon syrup. The girl made it a bit too dry for my liking. But yes, of course that's another part of my new years resolutions in effect. Losing weight. Wah wah, yes I know. Right now I'm at a whooping 135lb's. I would love to drop down to a 120. So lovely. Even the number looks lovelier. 120. *sigh* I was exercising and eating salads before, and I lost weight pretty quickly I was a nice 130-128lb's. So I think with the upcoming summer bikini nightmare season, I should have plenty of motivation to get me through that extra 8-10lbs. But that's just me being silly and an insecure female.
Another resolution.
Stop being that insecure silly female. The one who takes sooo long getting ready because she feels like she needs to do a million things just to make herself presentable. And it's so odd at the same time, because I actually feel like... prettier than most other females most of the time. It's just those few times when I see a really beautiful girl or pictures of celebrities looking flawless when I start to feel inferior. So now it's a question of, okay should I focus on getting myself to look like them? Or should I change my focus and re-prioritize whats actually important in life. Intelligence, health, love, friends, family and of course money.
Because money is everything
And that's exactly why my ten minutes are up, 1 minute left to be precise, and I've got to get ready in 1/2 an hour to look pretty for work. *sigh* This was a silly post. But I just had to do it, just to get myself writing again.
Whatever

I don't want to do this anymore.

The rejection only hurts more.
2010 isn't looking bright for me. I wanted to start the year off in a positive state of mind, and it was so difficult to do that trust me. And once things started to feel like they were bearable and that I was strong enough to smile through what I hated one thing had to make me snap. I lost my grip on the strings and I fell apart. For the past four years I've been dealing with the same situations, the same people, the same fucked up feelings the same outcomes. No matter how much I have to put up with some guy who doesn't love me and all his shit, the more it hurts.
I don't want to make a resolution.
I just want people to leave me alone. I don't want to be friends with benefits. I don't want to be lonely all the time. I don't want to be blamed. I'm so tired. I've said that before. I always just make myself believe in love. And it just doesn't exist for me.
I dont have anything else to say.

My favorite season is Autumn

May its air decay within me.
And all the shit that's stuck in there. It's sad. I really do love November, and I have one post to commemorate it's existence and it's past due. Yet, everything is past due when it comes to me. My feelings, reactions, and my understanding. I've done quite a good job of ignoring my feelings last night today. Work has a tendency to ease the pressures of personal woes. I love it for that. I didn't even care that I didn't make much money. I just didn't want to be home, stuck to myself, wallowing in the pool of pity I created. Instead today I cleaning... scrubbed at that, everything I could. Sort of a compulsive behavior I acquire when I feel stained inside. I start to clean everything around me, because those are things I can actually wipe clean. Unlike my heart and my fucking issues.
So here I am scrubbing out the stains.
Pruning my hands in the process. I indulged myself in other peoples lives, their stories and worries. Once in a while I couldn't help but compare their simple quips with their friends and loved ones to the enormous quip raging in me with my friends. Lately I've been hearing a lot of shit. Not like I'm not used to hearing stupid shit spread around about me but this time it was like... everyone who I hold close to me. And close is a stretch. It's like I've been holding people at arms length from me for so long. And now I see that instead of facing them with open palms I'm going to need to start turning the other way. It's upsetting. I can feel tears in my throat but it's not enough to make them come out just yet.
And someone told me I'm just being paranoid.
Well here's to that. First off, nobody pays attention to things that people say. I'm not willing to stand around and put up with people who talk shit about you and act like it's okay to do that. I don't want friends who I can't even talk to about how I feel without telling me I'm overreacting, or I'm stupid. Sometimes I understand that I do overreact to some things that I should just brush off. But it's hard to brush everything off all the time, especially doing it alone. Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and tell me that it's okay to feel how I feel sometimes. That it's okay to be upset and that I'll get over it with time. I hate friends who just criticize you all the time. I hate friends who are never there for you and make up excuses to why they're busy or why you guys should talk later. I hate having friends who follow everyone elses word without having their own opinion. I hate when friends do shit just to make you mad and then act like shit is all better when they explain it was a joke. Once or twice is fine. But you need to grow up afterward. I hate having friends who act nice to your face but agrees with everything your crazy ex says about you. I hate having friends who tell everyone and their mom not to be associated with you because of one fuck up that happened five years ago with a guy who was an overbearing and controlling freak to begin with. I hate friends who pretend they're straight up with you and yet say worse shit to everyone else. I hate when people assume shit about me with very little or no information at all. And I hate having friends who never stick up for you or defend you when you've been defending them for years.
Yeah. You.

Living life in smoke.

I smoked five cigarettes the past two days.
Am I proud? I don't think I care actually. I'm really starting not to care about a lot of things. I'm tired of stressing out, getting pimples and such. Feeling like I need drugs and alcohol to make me feel okay. I don't necessarily want to smoke, or poison my body any further. But it just feels so good so inhale a warm and thick comforting cloud into my lungs like it can block out all the negative feels that are swarming around in there. Like a blanket I guess. I just really want a nice to get seriously, and sorry to be so vulgar, fucked up. I want to start off with some liquor, beer, weed, cocaine, ciggs, and shyt whatever else my sand pile of a brain will be up for. I want that blanket in my body.
I've been freezing.
My emotions are at a stand still. I can't feel much more than recognition. It's a little frustrating to be quite honest. I feel like, especially now, people have been asking me how I feel, what I think. And I sit there and I stare into their confused expressions and I can't find words to describe what I'm thinking. Perhaps I really am just not thinking about anything at all. My heart is frozen solid. The constant cracks to my chest have just made me feel numb.
Not even for a little while.
But for a few months. I just want to leave. Pack up my things and go and keep going. I want a new environment. I want new experiences. I want to leave these shitty feelings and memories behind. I want to leave everyone and everything.

Wasting what I have until my heart is full.

Covering myself in wool
I'm a little tired at the moment. I had quite the day. School until 5:50, then I went to target to do some compulsive shopping. Came home and played guitar, then I went out again to pick up Osiris and James and went to the Smithhaven mall. Where I also did a lot of compulsive shopping. Almost lost my debit card in Aerie. Made a fool of myself in Victorias Secret.
I make quite the fool.
I suppose that's just something I do.

This loneliness is almost tangible.

So much that I can even feel it trying to touch me.
Could last night have gone better? Absolutely. But am I going to reach out and explain what I wanted from it? Would I ever try to make the things I want to happen, say... happen? Of course not. Because that's how I am. I'm afraid and I struggle through the complicated weaving's of peoples thoughts. I try to decode the things I don't hear and turn the maybe whispers into loud and screaming signs. And I can't help but keep listening to things that aren't speaking to me. It doesn't quite help when last night I was listening for something that was honestly, not speaking to me whatsoever. Then again not speaking at all, is speaking a whole lot to you.
Or am I just confusing myself.
I finally had a saturday off, only because a girl at my job wanted to work an extra day and I was fine letting her take it. Letting her take 150 dollars pretty much. So I woke up early, excited. Pathetic. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and asked nearly everyone what the plans for the day were. Most people didn't have plans as usual. But it's always intriguing to find out what we end up doing. Some people had some set-in-stone plans. Numerous birthday parties, costume parties, clubs, movie and food nights. I decided to do something different and hang out with a bunch of well... strangers. I made some friends. There was a math equation invovled here however. The kind where there are a number of variables, and each variable is affected by a new added variable, which changes the whole outcome of all the variables combined, however you can't combine these variables. There's just these parenthesis that are sluggishly connected to the original variables when they go through the process of trying to be combined. Sometimes connections just don't work. Sometimes they just stick to your side for a while like two pieces that don't fit together no matter which way you try. That was my night last night.
Of course I could just be making things harder for myself than they should be.
As usual. And then I get home and I'm anxious to relieve some stress and some built up emotion. But that didn't happen the way it was supposed to. Instead I was given more reasons to be upset at myself and my situation in life. And instead of feeling like I did a week or two about it,which wasn't so bad now, I feel numb. There's nothing to look forward to anymore. There's nothing to fall back on. There's absolutely no reason to cry. Although I will.
Because I always do.

I woke up to the blinding sun

Brilliance couldn't shine over my shadows.
No matter how hard I wish it would. I honestly feel as if summer is coming to a close. A staggering halt rather. And the weather is lagging just a bit behind schedule, making today sky a blue cloudless ocean, the trees slowly sway in the gentle wind. Cool and not too crisp, definitely not suffocating. The grass on even a poorly maintained lawn looks as if it is greener than the pastures of an earlier undisturbed time. Spots of shade, tempting one to just lay in it's embrace and forget the rest of the day. That's summer. That's today.
Too bad my hearts caught in last nights thunderstorm.
Today I'm scheduled to take some cool photos with an old friend. I'm planning on visiting Pilgrim state, then perhaps the lake on Babylon main st. If we find cool spots along the way, then I'll welcome the adventure. I'll welcome it because it seems as if nothing else is welcoming my presence anymore. I'm not exactly wanted. A sort of nullifying experience... one that I can't quite hold to but I know it's holding me back from the happiness I should feel for a day like this.
I'm still in shock.
And I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should reach out and try to make things work, make things happen. Or if my persistence is the exact weight on which my whole suffering is falling from. I'm afraid to do anything. I just need a kind word, and good gesture. Something meaningful. Something that will make me feel okay to breathe. Something that will help me smile and embrace the sun inside of wincing at its blinding light. Shining over all the imperfections of myself.

Shall I reintroduce myself?

As the most incomplete person I've ever been.
Here I am again as always, struggling to find myself in places I couldn't see my own hands in. I'm 19 years old, still at Suffolk County Community College in all of its grandiose, working on tips at a family friendly Johnny Rockets, and crying myself to sleep every night.
Some things will never change.
I've aquired a new taste for self-pity. And when I say that I mean a new taste for letting myself get beaten down. I've finally become aware of the fact that I can't hide myself behind a wall of excuses. I need to grow up and face my own faults, not just in a journal, but in the face of the world. The extremely cold and cruel world. I've gotten a taste of my own disgusting medicine two days ago and I can't help but feel transformed. As if now I'm a regular person, like everyone else, with their heart severely broken. With a realization that not everyone is going to want you, and perhaps you're not as desirable as you thought you were. It sounds a bit selfish to say, but from how I feel now, that is exactly how I must have felt before. Years of me blaming the opposite person for all of my unhappiness, for all of our failure, now I'm seeing that perhaps it's just me who's been creating the platform on which all disaster collides.
I'm the builder of my own wrecking ball.
I couldn't tell one how I plan on changing the direction of this fog so that perhaps I could see the path laid out before me. Right now I'm taking numbers, suggestions, and complaints. I want to make those I care about happy to be with me. I don't want to be the person you're obligated to pick up. The person who everyone smiles at, but is glad to get rid of. I don't want to be that. I want so much more from myself. I want so much out of life that it destroys my heart everytime I get a glimpse of it growing further and further away.

So I'm posting again...

It's been weeks?
And jesus a lot has happened. Well I have a new job now as a Server at Johnny Rockets. I'm glad... it's good money I suppose. I'm pretty tired after work though, so much so that I haven't hit up the gym since I got that job lol. But I've been eating less, so I'm losing more weight? Working with so much food just makes you lose your appetite. I still haven't had a johnny rockets burger yet haha. I have to sing and dance every 1/2 hour... It's good for me because I really need to learn how to loosen up in front of a crowd.
I would still really like to start playing some small gigs.
I've been playing guitar more frequently now, not in front of anyone... it's really hard for me for some reason. I think it's because my lyrics are so personal... like I'm exposing myself too much for anyone to just listen critically. It's a fear. Meh... Well hopefully I can find the charger to my camera soon and start making videos... buy a new microphone and record better demos... I found this cool one from Costco lol.
This post is just a recap.
Nothing deep... But I saw a Copeland show last week... OMG. I thought I was in love with Copeland before. Nothing compared to now. And I loved their opening act, Brooke Waggonner. She had a great sound... Paper Route was pretty cool, and This Providence was alllright mehh. Though I felt like a lot of people were there to see them... probably only because the band members were attractive and scene looking or whatever... I really hate thinking how people can base their music interest solely on that. Perhaps they don't realize it.
Well I'm done for now.

My back hurts...

Really fuckin bad.
Man last night was pretty awesome. There you go, take that and make your own conclusions. Buy anywhoo... today is an important day. Not because it's said to be one in any calender( I don't think?) but because I symbolically believe it to be so. A friend of mine since 10th grade is leaving again to Pennsylvania, and it says a lot of me. First off, I texted him earlier this afternoon to see what he was up to. I'm not positive if his phone actually has any service on it but it's an attempt at friendly conversation. Which I believe he's been lacking. I can't say that i haven't perhaps contributed to this foul behavior against someone who is really in no position to be soaking any of it in. But, my friends do like to wallow in their negative behavior against each other and praise themselves for it. However, I'm sure some underlying hatred exists.
Or maybe not, who am I to say...
But in contrast to my outlook towards life recently, dreary I must admit... I'm trying to do something against the grain today. Be postive. I hope he calls me or something because I really have no plans today except for reading "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift and a chapter of " The Great Gastby". Not for any homework or school studying mind you... I just feel sort of retarded. I haven't read anything in so long, or at least paid any close attention to anything I've read. It was a goal of mine last year to get myself caught up with a bunch of Classic literature, because I felt like I was left out of so much educational opportunity in High School. I really hated the fact that I wasn't in Honors English or history. I really felt like I deserved it. And because of my agitation with my average ho-hum classes for those four years I lost so much motivation for school and didn't bother handing in any assignments, or at least on time. I wonder why my teachers never stopped to ask me why I was always handing things in late or not at all, and when I did actually hand in assignments I always got A's. That's high school education for ya.
They only really care about their job.
Which is quite unfortunate. Because they have none of my respect for those jobs they hold so dearly. Screw them. I wanted so much more for myself. Well, now it's in my hands to get myself out of this ditch where I lay and on solid ground. I missed the deadline to withdraw from classes... and I really did to drop West. Civ. only because I just haven't gone to class and I know I've missed the midterms and a helluva lot of vocab quizzes. Sad because I enjoyed that class a lot really. I don't know though. I feel like a lot of my failure in college hasn't been due to any inability to complete the course work, but because of outside hindering. Like the fact that I don't have my own car to drive myself to class, the library when I need to, or work. Ive been seriously considering taking the next fall semester off to work full-time and save money for a car. I want to take a good amount of classes this summer so I don't hurt myself too much, but i really think I need the time to work and get myself in the position I should have been in entering college.

"Shouldn't you be in class right now?"

Um...yeah.
My god the trenches I let myself fall into. The ditches of which I willingly bury myself within. Knowingly falling into a deep and suffocating hole of dry and crumbling soil because I can't stand the blinding sun shining on the path above it. I spoke of reading maps. Well I may be able to read a map of intent, but my own map seems to be written in more than just Japanese. But in hieroglyphics and cuneiform as well. Some ancient road on which everyone trudges along. And it's so vast that it's hardly recognized as a road, it's so weathered and eroded that it may just look like a landscape, a country, a town.
Your town.
And I am one of the many who have just fallen into the many pits in this town. Some of us call it the unemployed, some say it's a college dropout. I'm so close to being permanently stamped as one of these imbeciles it's scary. I want so much for my life. So much more than people realize. I don't just want complacency. I want success and to reveal in that success. And it hurts when I call a potential employer and they're not impressed. It's so mind-numbingly painful when I miss class. Yes it hurts me. Because I want to be there, and I want to learn, and I want to expand my horizons. Because that's what Undergraduate college is really all about right? But I hold myself back. I must have invisible hands than confine me to the darkness of my bedroom and my own head. Because when I try to make moves and get where I want, I feel physically held down. And I can't seem to understand where the motive is... why I chain myself to failure. Hah, and it's worse because I'm totally aware of the dungeon in which I inhabit. This dungeon of life-long failure. Sometimes it seems as if I'm writing too morbidly for my cause. But it suits.
Everyone likes to ask the same questions.
But why? Is it because they really care about the state I'm in? Are they annoyed with how I could possibly taken them down the trenches with me? All of your good intentions are just sour notes to a beautiful composition. Flowing through my head. I'm stuck in ground right now. It's a tad difficult getting out.

The tremors...

Of a sickness you refused to believe you had.
I was watching a psychologist earlier this morning and something hit me.

The rising of the concurrent

And all of its powers.
The past couple of days have been quite interesting to me. I like how I can never seem to surprise myself with my knowledge of myself. How I can really predict my inner most secret desires and their eventual actions. How I can feel the aura of someone I had just met and know who exactly they are, and what our relationship may have in store. I can even see the conflicting powers that can disrupt that relationship. In just the glimpses. It's unfortunate in my case because I love spontaneity. I suppose some people may think that I speak to swiftly, and with too much confidence in my intuition. But I assure you, it's more than that. It's a collection of interpreted instances where the eyes reveal whole intent. And remembering those instances. Then gathering that previous information and connecting it to certain outcomes, thus tracing it's path. And if you can understand the complex weaving of a path, then you can read any map.
Unless it appears to be written in Japanese.
Then you may have a problem. I've been hanging out past midnight society times pretty often for the past few days, with the same crew. Going in order of most appearances ; Dave, Desmond, Steve, D2, Mike, Garrett, Osiris, Nick and Jon. It's fun in its own way, an interesting bunch of kids without anything to do.
I got over that subject quick.
Perhaps for a reason I don't really want to admit yet. I'm tired now. Tired of knowing and then not knowing anything. Tired of having my intentions looked over.

Is this De-ja-vu?

Or is it a subconscious ritual?

I'd rather my eyes be scratched out.

Than any of this.
I can't handle all the stress. For a nineteen year old with no I.D, no job, no money whatsoever, nothing at all, there's really not much you can do besides be stressed out of your god damn mind. I feel like it's worse now somehow, like I have no where to turn to besides writing in this fuckin blog. I don't have friends. At least I don't have any friends who actually care about shit that I go through without comparing to their simple easy-going lives or talk up a storm about how bad their lives are. There is really no one who can just sit and listen. I have to dish out advice for everyone and when I'm feeling like shit it's literally like they could care less. I have good friends to hang out with, have fun, have some good laughs and good times with. But do I have friends who I can turn to when I'm feeling worn out? Without being scared that they're just gonna talk shit about me behind my back?
I can not begin to fathom the amount of times I've forgiven people for that shit.
I hate finding out when people say shit about me to other people. Shit that I confided in them with. Things that I thought I could trust them with and through all their obligatory nods and " aw I'm sorry" regurtitatences I thought they would be true friends. But those kinds of people don't seem to exist anymore. And I can't lie but it's gotten to me as well. I used to stick up for people, and listen to people, and try to help them genuinely with their situations. Now, hah, I roll my eyes and I give a sarcastic reply. I don't want to hear it. There have been so many times when I've stuck up to people talking shit about my friends and so many times where those same people let anyone talk shit about me whenever. I'm so sick of it. I'm so fucking alone it's ridiculous.
I have nothing and no one.
Shit is hitting the fan now. I'm really realizing this, and accepting it for the first time. I don't think there's a soul out there who actually knows me, and everything about me. No one at all.
Whatever

Irregularities

In a one month cycle
I know that I should be more informed when it comes to the motions of my inner systems. Ha, that or I've been seriously disillusioned by summer school health class. Sometimes I really do regret taking Health during the summer, I was always sweaty and tired and irritated. Plus I don't believe I actually ever learned anything in that class. Anyway, I'm just a bit annoyed with myself these days and the fact that my uterus can't seem to hold itself together for the damn 20 something days it's supposed to, really just adds to the pile of stress.
I feel as if I'm always annoyed of myself.
There's news for ya. Lets take this analysis step by step shall we? Right now I'm sitting in my sisters room using her computer, like I have been for the past 2 and a half weeks because the charger for my laptop is broken and I don't exactly have the money to get another one. So now I've got these curfews on how long I can be online and whatnot. Which is fair I know, it is her computer and I really shouldn't be sitting at a computer for hours at a time anyway. But now I feel this detachment from the world and everyone I know. I feel as if I haven't seen so many of my friends for weeks now. Not to say that the computer is the only way we communicate with each other, but since February 2nd I haven't had any phone service either. To my comforting grace, I've only gotten four text messages since that time. Am I really this alone? I feel myself slipping back into this vampish self-awareness. I'm lonely, I'm bored, and I'm not very productive either. I've been looking for a job ever since the beginning of Janurary and I couldn't tell you how many job applications I've put out. I have no money whatsoever.
There adds to the many annoyances of this era.
At least there's some good news. I've finally gotten hired at Sears as a shoe sales associate. Which sucks. I'm gonna be working off commision, which some guy Paul told me I'd be making more money than being a cashier. It's really unfortunate that I don't work at Forever 21 anymore, making 10.50 and all was really nice. I was supposed to have an interview at Shop Rite but that never happened. I don't even want to get into the irritation caused from that day. I had an interview today at Arbors Islandia, it's a living residence, and I'm pretty sure I'm hired. I have to get two references and then I'll be set up for a physical exam and a tuberculosis shot. Weird. Then orientation. I'm supposed to get a drug test tomorrow after school for my Sears job, after the results get in there I'll be up for orientation. My god, so much nonsense. I've never had to deal with all this at my other four jobs. I don't get it.
PLUS
My mom hasn't come back from New Mexico yet. So I haven't gotten my birth certificate fixed... it is truly useless to me. But just recently I found I could probably bring either my sister or grandmother to Town Hall in Islip and get a court order to say that they can help me get my birth certificate. So I'm gonna be trying hard for that. It's a little over 200 dollars, which is ridiculous but I really need this taken care of. I mean my sister has her liscense now. I don't even have my permit yet. I also need to take care of my financial aid situation, get this letter notarized and bring it back to the financial aid office. I'll do that tomorrow. From there hopefully shit will get on it's way.
Jesus christ...
I swear, I hope nothing else goes wrong.