Covering myself in wool
I'm a little tired at the moment. I had quite the day. School until 5:50, then I went to target to do some compulsive shopping. Came home and played guitar, then I went out again to pick up Osiris and James and went to the Smithhaven mall. Where I also did a lot of compulsive shopping. Almost lost my debit card in Aerie. Made a fool of myself in Victorias Secret.
I make quite the fool.
I suppose that's just something I do.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
This loneliness is almost tangible.
So much that I can even feel it trying to touch me.
Could last night have gone better? Absolutely. But am I going to reach out and explain what I wanted from it? Would I ever try to make the things I want to happen, say... happen? Of course not. Because that's how I am. I'm afraid and I struggle through the complicated weaving's of peoples thoughts. I try to decode the things I don't hear and turn the maybe whispers into loud and screaming signs. And I can't help but keep listening to things that aren't speaking to me. It doesn't quite help when last night I was listening for something that was honestly, not speaking to me whatsoever. Then again not speaking at all, is speaking a whole lot to you.
Or am I just confusing myself.
I finally had a saturday off, only because a girl at my job wanted to work an extra day and I was fine letting her take it. Letting her take 150 dollars pretty much. So I woke up early, excited. Pathetic. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and asked nearly everyone what the plans for the day were. Most people didn't have plans as usual. But it's always intriguing to find out what we end up doing. Some people had some set-in-stone plans. Numerous birthday parties, costume parties, clubs, movie and food nights. I decided to do something different and hang out with a bunch of well... strangers. I made some friends. There was a math equation invovled here however. The kind where there are a number of variables, and each variable is affected by a new added variable, which changes the whole outcome of all the variables combined, however you can't combine these variables. There's just these parenthesis that are sluggishly connected to the original variables when they go through the process of trying to be combined. Sometimes connections just don't work. Sometimes they just stick to your side for a while like two pieces that don't fit together no matter which way you try. That was my night last night.
Of course I could just be making things harder for myself than they should be.
As usual. And then I get home and I'm anxious to relieve some stress and some built up emotion. But that didn't happen the way it was supposed to. Instead I was given more reasons to be upset at myself and my situation in life. And instead of feeling like I did a week or two about it,which wasn't so bad now, I feel numb. There's nothing to look forward to anymore. There's nothing to fall back on. There's absolutely no reason to cry. Although I will.
Because I always do.
Could last night have gone better? Absolutely. But am I going to reach out and explain what I wanted from it? Would I ever try to make the things I want to happen, say... happen? Of course not. Because that's how I am. I'm afraid and I struggle through the complicated weaving's of peoples thoughts. I try to decode the things I don't hear and turn the maybe whispers into loud and screaming signs. And I can't help but keep listening to things that aren't speaking to me. It doesn't quite help when last night I was listening for something that was honestly, not speaking to me whatsoever. Then again not speaking at all, is speaking a whole lot to you.
Or am I just confusing myself.
I finally had a saturday off, only because a girl at my job wanted to work an extra day and I was fine letting her take it. Letting her take 150 dollars pretty much. So I woke up early, excited. Pathetic. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and asked nearly everyone what the plans for the day were. Most people didn't have plans as usual. But it's always intriguing to find out what we end up doing. Some people had some set-in-stone plans. Numerous birthday parties, costume parties, clubs, movie and food nights. I decided to do something different and hang out with a bunch of well... strangers. I made some friends. There was a math equation invovled here however. The kind where there are a number of variables, and each variable is affected by a new added variable, which changes the whole outcome of all the variables combined, however you can't combine these variables. There's just these parenthesis that are sluggishly connected to the original variables when they go through the process of trying to be combined. Sometimes connections just don't work. Sometimes they just stick to your side for a while like two pieces that don't fit together no matter which way you try. That was my night last night.
Of course I could just be making things harder for myself than they should be.
As usual. And then I get home and I'm anxious to relieve some stress and some built up emotion. But that didn't happen the way it was supposed to. Instead I was given more reasons to be upset at myself and my situation in life. And instead of feeling like I did a week or two about it,which wasn't so bad now, I feel numb. There's nothing to look forward to anymore. There's nothing to fall back on. There's absolutely no reason to cry. Although I will.
Because I always do.
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