Temporary Insomia

Hopefully...
I plan on staying up until all hours of the night doing homework. Of course I haven't started it yet, I have to blog about it first, get my creative juices flowing, gushing even! It may seem gross but I just registered for ENG102 which is Introduction to Literature and I don't feel like removing it for another semester of ENG101. This will be the THIRD time taking the class. I wanna pass, that's all I care about at this point. It's a bit ridiculous that I haven't passed it with gaylicious colors the first time. I mean this really insults me.
English WAS my forte.
And now I'm struggling to pass a 101 course in it. Really now, was high school thaat deceiving? I've accepted the fact that it was just a place to hold growing humans until their minds reach a capacity where it can sustain itself without hand-holding guidance. Although society now has made the Grown-man/woman label a bit of a joke.
Anywhoo
I really should start writing this paper and stop procrastinating so I can pass this f-ing class come thursday.

Email to another Professor

Via blackberry.
While I'm listening to Pretty.Odd. by Panic! at the Disco. Once again some higher power has granted me yet another chance to succed. Or at least get by... My fault of course. There are some decisions in my life that I've always seemed to struggle with. The choice between work and play. I know that everyone struggles with this from time to time, but sometimes I feel like if I choose work that I'm only hurting myself. Not only in ways of social detriment and exclusion ( which might I add always is an outcome when I choose work). But I feel like many times, there is no point for work for me. Like no matter how hard I'm working, how "on top of things" i am, it won't make a difference for my future.
I think it's the way I was raised.
My mother seemed to work hard. And, it was like the harder she worked, the worse things became. The worse our relationship with her was, the worse her relationships with other people seemed to be. Then in the end it only ended in her losing a job, dropping out of school. The list goes on. I fear turning into my mother. Only because I fear the horrible things that happen to good people. So in a way i feel like lately, I've been trying to not appear like a good person. And you know what happens to people who are never without their masks... I've started to become a horrible person.
And I am almost proud of myself.
I take advantage of people, I lie, I cheat my way out of situations. My memory is amazing. I've only come out on top because of this... So when it comes between truly working towards something, I get afraid. Because I can't use my mask, only my hands.
My hands are weak.

This rollercoaster...

Has really got to end.
It's unhealthy to be this unproductive. I tell you, this week alone I've missed three classes, two days of work and I've done absolutely noo hw. I made goals for myself this week and completely blew them all off. Things like... well writing two 5-page essays, my math class assignment or studying for my final in human communications. My god, what am I becoming?
I feel like I'm doing it on purpose.
Like I want to get shoved out of all the positive things in my life.

Getting over the sickness

Finally
It's been two weeks of pure coughing and gagging. Two weeks of medicine. Two weeks of ill performance in everything I do. I do think that if it weren't for working nearly everyday, waiting outside in the cold everyday for a ride, and losing sleep every night over daily nonsense... I would probably have gotten better a lot sooer. Unfortunately, the most positive outcome is never the case.
And this keyboard is driving me crazy.
My enter button fell off, my spacebar and my n key seem to always be stuck. I never realized how often you actually use the n button. I mean in this whole entry I've used it a total of 36 times. Now for anyone who feels as if it isn't used that often, consider every time I press the n button I have to do it twice because the first try always fails for some reason. Make it 72 times. Thats insane! Ok, I feel like I'm a capable typer, but lately it's been taking me foreverr to type a paragraph due to the fact that this stupid spacebar is stuck as well. And I type fast so if I miss a space inbetween words I keep going, typing another four or five words before I can notice the mistake. Now I think just deleting what I had wrote is actually faster for me than going back, correcting the missing space, and returning to my writing.
Now I don't know how to send my laptop over to Dell without crumbling under the insanity of having no computer for god know's how long. Maybe 2-3 weeks?
I'm in a load of yogurt.
Well getting back to something perhaps more interesting...
I'm missing class right now...
Uh oh.

Chills

Shaking out the old...

Somehow I feel as if I'm left with this naked rat-looking form, sort of hiding itself from a harsh sunlight.

Becoming faithful...

Or at least the endeavours one takes to reach faith...
My goodness. I finally got a chance to spend time with my old pal Priscilla today. We visted the Honours Cottage, with or without the "u" whatever you like. And I guess the smelling gray couches really inspired me. This is where I wanna be. Short term goal of course but still a goal. I spoke with the " guardian" of the cottage and hopefully I can be accepted into the honors club next semester. The main goal is to receive a B+ or higher grade in ENG101. He also said they require a 3.2 GPA. which is like somewhere between a 90 and 85?
So much for my brilliance.
Well there's no harm in trying... expect the hideous scar on your face after you crash and fail. I did some other things I shouldn't have... like spend money. Uselessly.
Budgeting is so difficult when you're surrounded by wants. Like, wanting a four dollar bowl of chicken noodle soup. Aye... I need to cut back on buying food. And clothes/accessories. I think I have enough of those... I just need to wear the things I buy.
I think completing those two tasks for a while can save me a hundred dollars easy. In two weeks. Nice?
I'll try it.

No Nothing.

Nothing can provoke me anymore.

Not work, not school. I'm slowly falling back into the downward spiral of the dark and grim St. Joseph's era. Ah, what shivers that gives me. It's sad to see that just when I see myself slipping away from all responsibility and priorities, I like to push myself further down. It's a problem. I enjoy soaking myself in my miseries.

I should start (once again) a process in which I can forcefully dig myself out. I'm like a limp child I think. I cry and moan and aspire and crawl beneath trenches. I've started writing down some of my petty expenses. And I do curse them all as petty because why should I place dreadful bill ahead of personal pamering? It's all petty shit. If not immediately petty for me, then petty on someone else's behalf.

I've also spent a great deal of time today researching ways in which I can earn some more money. And wallah, I'm here. I kept seeing this crap about blogging to earn money, so I decided wtf why not. Now I'm just writing this entry, waiting for my ad to get approved.
I think I'm going to cancel my interview with kate spade. I was on the phone with that woman for five minutes and she totally turned me off to the idea of working for her.
I'm going to have to find new means of making cash...
I mean I got a job offer for Delias at the Tanger outlets buut I'm still unsure. I wish there was something I could do without clocking into some boring and meaningless job to earn money.
Time to begin research.

One Down, One or Two? to Go.

These are sad times.
I can never get in Spring cleaning when I really need it. It's not even spring but my life is so cluttered that honestly, I'm starting to strangle myself. Everything is everywhere, not speaking of clothes but really everything. Family issues, friends, love, my slightly vagabond cat Puca! Almost too much to handle. Yet perhaps this is just the way things always are in life. No matter how much you really want to make a daily schedule, it never really works out. No matter what you put on a shopping list, you always end up getting more or missing items. I can go on and on with this.
But that would only drag on worse than Dennis Rodman.
Somehow I can't help but think that it's not just life. That maybe I've got something wrong somewhere. That maybe I'm messing up right now. I miss people in my life. I want others to become more apart of my life. I want some people to just go away forever. And yet I wish some would just try a little harder not to. It's difficult. I haven't truly played guitar in days and it's really depressing. I'm searching for the reasons why I just can't find the passion to play.
Could just be stress...
Could be a lot of things. Could be stresses at school, stresses with money and work, stresses with family, stresses with myself. I don't know really. I'm disappointed in myself that I never know. I never ever seem to know.

Settling In.

Thats right. It's eleven in the morning, and I just got in from Adams house. Oh boy. We watched movies after I got off work around 10:30. The Onion Movie and Be Kind Rewind... they were on sale 4 for 20 at Blockbuster. Our favorite place for movies I think. I fell asleep around the end of BKR. It's getting a bit expensive to run around and drive out fifteen miles to a decent movie theatre, spend twenty dollars on food, twenty dollars on two tickets, and see one movie. Taking into consideration that since yesterday gas went up about thirty cents everywhere. Thanks to Theresa's Dad, I knew to fill up tanks before I'd be spending an extra five dollars for the same amount of gas.
This gas epidemic sure is hitting hard. Too bad I don't own a car, nor do I take the keys to the Jeep very often. I believe the last time I took the car for anything was a few months ago. It's lifted the burden of rides a bit in my house... meaning I've had to find my own rides while everyone else sorts out the shared usage of the Jeep. That piece of clunk metal I swear.
I've got a list of things to get started on today, seeing as I'm slowly growing into my student mind-set. Planner in hand and all. Argyle socks... Well anyway, I've got a few chapters to read from Oliver Twist, some basic Pre-Algebra math homework to attend to. I know there's more that I can't think of at this point.

Well go ahead and Work it Out.

I take hits for the team, I do. And I make everyone else's dreams come true. I'm a fire in a pit, and I lure you in with my warmth. Oh god, how I'm sly. I'm more than just a passerby. If you can ever get close enough to really look me in the eye.
I really felt like breaking out for a moment. Today sure does call for it though. I always seem to get caught up in these outburts of misunderstanding. People love to judge one another with no or little background proof.
Today I was walking about of the house after telling my sister I was going to hang out with my friends. Granted I was out earlier around four til seven with Adam. My friends had asked me to hang out, and I don't get to see some of them very often so I decided why not. It is a Saturday, and I don't have work the next day until 12 in the aftertoon anyway. I mean I go to school all week, and I work the weekends. What's the harm in going out with my friends on my downtime?
Apparently I do a lot of harm with that. My grandmother stops me on my way out and starts ranting about how I'm always hanging out, I'm never home, and I'm going to end up in an Abortion clinic. Now... it's very unlike me to retaliate, very unlike me to get angry. But I can't hold back forever. Years and years I've been dealing with the same accusations. The same rantings.
According to some, I should give in and change for the will of my authoritarian overseers. But I lack obedience, for the better. I do not have to deal with all this negative energy every time I want to be a normal teenager. Which I am! What is so hard to believe about going to see a movie with my freinds. Why is it so bad to hang out with one person for a bit, come home eat some dinner and then hang out with some other friends. I'm not going out to sell drugs or bar hop. My friends aren't into those kind of things. Plus it's a little insulting to have your family member who in all reality, knows nothing about you, make up all these things that I'm doing. Telling me that they weren't born yesterday. Perhaps I'm young but I'm not a complete idiot either.
I'm not the kind of girl to just go out get trashed, whore-out, and come home a complete mess. It's a shame she feels like thats how a grandchild of hers is becoming. Either way, she really has no right to pry into my life like she contributes to it at all. She's never offered to help me with anything. Anything at all. The most I will ever get out of her is a roof over my head and food on the table. And thats when she feels like it. Plenty of times I've come downstairs to find there's no more dinner left, or that my whole family has left to go somewhere and never bothered to let me know they were leaving. How dare she call me anything.
I thought this whole drama with my grandmother had disappeared. But of course, it hasn't. It's just been festering it's same foul scent underneath the surface. Perhaps I need to get out. She's threatened to kick me out of the house. And on absolutely no grounds at all. I'm tired of it. I don't want to live with someone who thinks nothing positive about me.

Last hours

Of freedom. Or semi-freedom... or obligatory-time-wasteful-nonproductive Freedom. Red White and Blue folks!

Spending Money

Never became so easy until recently. My mother sent me a check to pay for school...books, tuition, fees and such. I'm really grateful for it. She had moved away to New Mexico a few months ago. The reasons made clear to us were for a new job, get away from family(which I suppose meant her children as well), better climate for her arthritis, and perhaps some other reasons she'll never reveal to us. To my knowledge, she's currently working, living in an apartment, and still has the Lincoln. Honestly, that's all the information I have. I don't have her address, although if I looked around I could probably find it. I don't have her phone number because our Verizon family plan has been disconnected.

This is an entirely amusing story by itself. My grandmother, bless her in her age and wisdom, has found it extremely difficult to remember when our phone bill is due. Perhaps its old age? Perhaps it's a hint that she no longer wishes to pay the bill and expects the owners of the phones and minutes pay the bill. That would probably be reasonable(although detestful) if it were brought up at an earlier date and time. Unfortunatley... she has decided the burden was too heavy once it became impossibly unbearable to us. Us being my sister, my mother, and myself. I believe the bill right now stands as a towering $800. Our plan is supposed to have us pay a(still expensive) $120 a month. How the bill rose to such a height under our noses is a mystery to me. Maybe she got away will paying some minimum fee.
Anywho... I just got back from midnight adventures with the clan. They just finished seeing Tropic Thunder, I already saw it with Adam, and I didnt feel like it was funny enough to see twice. It was funny don't get me wrong.(dont hurt me!) We went to a diner, I ordered some ridiculous quesadilla "snack" and ate one slice. Spent some time in osiris' car in front of my house as usual, but today with Desmond. I love late night serious talk and reminiscing.
Back on my mothers check. I spent some money on basic clothing. I know, I know... I feel sort of terrible about it. I know that I'm already going to be struggling with my college payments but... I can't resist!!!

This entry was all over the place.
Whatever

Times are Hard

Every thing's a hit or miss these days. Perhaps that just how it starts. Today I woke up ridiculously early, the sun wasn't even out and I tried all possible things (while still laying in bed) to get back to sleep. Maybe this is just my body's way of preparing itself for these brutal mornings I will most definitely endure this fall. Am I preparing well? Most likely not, which is why I'm writing about this very bizarre event. It's a tad embarrassing that I like to refer to an early bird morning as "bizarre". It really shows character. And without trying to demean myself much further I'd had to say it's quite correct portrayal. Although I must say after the shock of waking up in still, cold, darkness I feel quite energetic. Lucky me.

Today I can't think of a single thing to do. Or at least a single thing that I'd enjoy doing. I mean there's always the obligatory room tidy and housekeeping. But really now, didn't God intend for Sundays to be relaxing and
joyful? As I laid in bed, struggling to fall back asleep, counting the amount of hours I had received... I also in my multitaskful wonder, thought about cleaning my room. Now, at a quick glance it probably looks like a fine and neat teenage room. With all the flaws of pocket clutter, but overall well put together. Now yesterday night, as my uncle trots around the house fixing things I had never known were broken and breaking things of great value he tells me that he's going to do something with the heater in my room. I've roughed out countless winters shivering in that blizzard box, so I made no hesitation to his first wish. Clean out the area in front of the heater. If put simply, one could say there is just a small night table covering a small space of the heater. But in truth, it was quite a mess. My whole room was a horrid mess.

Here comes the adventure. Now, there are times where my room is really neat and nice, but more often than not it is a storm of clothes, paper and plastic. It could actually be a homeless mans secret burial. So me, in my pride, cannot let a male or another family member(besides immediate cause they see the dirt of the dirt) see this tragedy. As soon as he said to clear the area, I got up and calmly made my way to my room. Of course I can't let everyone know that I'm rushing to make a quick scrub. Doing exactly so I probably took about an hour and a half. Throwing away useless garbage, stuffing clothes into my hamper(and when that was full) two luggage's and a closet. I made my bed organized a few products on my desk, rearranged my stuffed animals. And frebreezed for a final touch of comeliness.

The end effect? Not a word was said about my room. Just the way I wanted it to be. The ultimate goal was to not have a satirical uncle spill on and on about "this girls room". And indeed did I succeed. But at the same time I really did not want praise for " such a clean room" because then of course, it will always need to look clean and neat. And I for one cannot stand cleaning for the sake of consistency.

Perhaps that hour and a half of shuffling around my room really did me in that night, and was perhaps the reason knocked out so quickly and thus, arose so early this morning. I really cannot stand it when my room gets so messy I need TIME to clean it. Perhaps I'll try and keep it neat from now on. But not so neat where I can't find personality. I'm in a love/hate relationship I suppose.