Hopefully...
I plan on staying up until all hours of the night doing homework. Of course I haven't started it yet, I have to blog about it first, get my creative juices flowing, gushing even! It may seem gross but I just registered for ENG102 which is Introduction to Literature and I don't feel like removing it for another semester of ENG101. This will be the THIRD time taking the class. I wanna pass, that's all I care about at this point. It's a bit ridiculous that I haven't passed it with gaylicious colors the first time. I mean this really insults me.
English WAS my forte.
And now I'm struggling to pass a 101 course in it. Really now, was high school thaat deceiving? I've accepted the fact that it was just a place to hold growing humans until their minds reach a capacity where it can sustain itself without hand-holding guidance. Although society now has made the Grown-man/woman label a bit of a joke.
Anywhoo
I really should start writing this paper and stop procrastinating so I can pass this f-ing class come thursday.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Email to another Professor
Via blackberry.
While I'm listening to Pretty.Odd. by Panic! at the Disco. Once again some higher power has granted me yet another chance to succed. Or at least get by... My fault of course. There are some decisions in my life that I've always seemed to struggle with. The choice between work and play. I know that everyone struggles with this from time to time, but sometimes I feel like if I choose work that I'm only hurting myself. Not only in ways of social detriment and exclusion ( which might I add always is an outcome when I choose work). But I feel like many times, there is no point for work for me. Like no matter how hard I'm working, how "on top of things" i am, it won't make a difference for my future.
I think it's the way I was raised.
My mother seemed to work hard. And, it was like the harder she worked, the worse things became. The worse our relationship with her was, the worse her relationships with other people seemed to be. Then in the end it only ended in her losing a job, dropping out of school. The list goes on. I fear turning into my mother. Only because I fear the horrible things that happen to good people. So in a way i feel like lately, I've been trying to not appear like a good person. And you know what happens to people who are never without their masks... I've started to become a horrible person.
And I am almost proud of myself.
I take advantage of people, I lie, I cheat my way out of situations. My memory is amazing. I've only come out on top because of this... So when it comes between truly working towards something, I get afraid. Because I can't use my mask, only my hands.
My hands are weak.
While I'm listening to Pretty.Odd. by Panic! at the Disco. Once again some higher power has granted me yet another chance to succed. Or at least get by... My fault of course. There are some decisions in my life that I've always seemed to struggle with. The choice between work and play. I know that everyone struggles with this from time to time, but sometimes I feel like if I choose work that I'm only hurting myself. Not only in ways of social detriment and exclusion ( which might I add always is an outcome when I choose work). But I feel like many times, there is no point for work for me. Like no matter how hard I'm working, how "on top of things" i am, it won't make a difference for my future.
I think it's the way I was raised.
My mother seemed to work hard. And, it was like the harder she worked, the worse things became. The worse our relationship with her was, the worse her relationships with other people seemed to be. Then in the end it only ended in her losing a job, dropping out of school. The list goes on. I fear turning into my mother. Only because I fear the horrible things that happen to good people. So in a way i feel like lately, I've been trying to not appear like a good person. And you know what happens to people who are never without their masks... I've started to become a horrible person.
And I am almost proud of myself.
I take advantage of people, I lie, I cheat my way out of situations. My memory is amazing. I've only come out on top because of this... So when it comes between truly working towards something, I get afraid. Because I can't use my mask, only my hands.
My hands are weak.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
This rollercoaster...
Has really got to end.
It's unhealthy to be this unproductive. I tell you, this week alone I've missed three classes, two days of work and I've done absolutely noo hw. I made goals for myself this week and completely blew them all off. Things like... well writing two 5-page essays, my math class assignment or studying for my final in human communications. My god, what am I becoming?
I feel like I'm doing it on purpose.
Like I want to get shoved out of all the positive things in my life.
It's unhealthy to be this unproductive. I tell you, this week alone I've missed three classes, two days of work and I've done absolutely noo hw. I made goals for myself this week and completely blew them all off. Things like... well writing two 5-page essays, my math class assignment or studying for my final in human communications. My god, what am I becoming?
I feel like I'm doing it on purpose.
Like I want to get shoved out of all the positive things in my life.
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