Brilliance couldn't shine over my shadows.
No matter how hard I wish it would. I honestly feel as if summer is coming to a close. A staggering halt rather. And the weather is lagging just a bit behind schedule, making today sky a blue cloudless ocean, the trees slowly sway in the gentle wind. Cool and not too crisp, definitely not suffocating. The grass on even a poorly maintained lawn looks as if it is greener than the pastures of an earlier undisturbed time. Spots of shade, tempting one to just lay in it's embrace and forget the rest of the day. That's summer. That's today.
Too bad my hearts caught in last nights thunderstorm.
Today I'm scheduled to take some cool photos with an old friend. I'm planning on visiting Pilgrim state, then perhaps the lake on Babylon main st. If we find cool spots along the way, then I'll welcome the adventure. I'll welcome it because it seems as if nothing else is welcoming my presence anymore. I'm not exactly wanted. A sort of nullifying experience... one that I can't quite hold to but I know it's holding me back from the happiness I should feel for a day like this.
I'm still in shock.
And I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should reach out and try to make things work, make things happen. Or if my persistence is the exact weight on which my whole suffering is falling from. I'm afraid to do anything. I just need a kind word, and good gesture. Something meaningful. Something that will make me feel okay to breathe. Something that will help me smile and embrace the sun inside of wincing at its blinding light. Shining over all the imperfections of myself.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Shall I reintroduce myself?
As the most incomplete person I've ever been.
Here I am again as always, struggling to find myself in places I couldn't see my own hands in. I'm 19 years old, still at Suffolk County Community College in all of its grandiose, working on tips at a family friendly Johnny Rockets, and crying myself to sleep every night.
Some things will never change.
I've aquired a new taste for self-pity. And when I say that I mean a new taste for letting myself get beaten down. I've finally become aware of the fact that I can't hide myself behind a wall of excuses. I need to grow up and face my own faults, not just in a journal, but in the face of the world. The extremely cold and cruel world. I've gotten a taste of my own disgusting medicine two days ago and I can't help but feel transformed. As if now I'm a regular person, like everyone else, with their heart severely broken. With a realization that not everyone is going to want you, and perhaps you're not as desirable as you thought you were. It sounds a bit selfish to say, but from how I feel now, that is exactly how I must have felt before. Years of me blaming the opposite person for all of my unhappiness, for all of our failure, now I'm seeing that perhaps it's just me who's been creating the platform on which all disaster collides.
I'm the builder of my own wrecking ball.
I couldn't tell one how I plan on changing the direction of this fog so that perhaps I could see the path laid out before me. Right now I'm taking numbers, suggestions, and complaints. I want to make those I care about happy to be with me. I don't want to be the person you're obligated to pick up. The person who everyone smiles at, but is glad to get rid of. I don't want to be that. I want so much more from myself. I want so much out of life that it destroys my heart everytime I get a glimpse of it growing further and further away.
Here I am again as always, struggling to find myself in places I couldn't see my own hands in. I'm 19 years old, still at Suffolk County Community College in all of its grandiose, working on tips at a family friendly Johnny Rockets, and crying myself to sleep every night.
Some things will never change.
I've aquired a new taste for self-pity. And when I say that I mean a new taste for letting myself get beaten down. I've finally become aware of the fact that I can't hide myself behind a wall of excuses. I need to grow up and face my own faults, not just in a journal, but in the face of the world. The extremely cold and cruel world. I've gotten a taste of my own disgusting medicine two days ago and I can't help but feel transformed. As if now I'm a regular person, like everyone else, with their heart severely broken. With a realization that not everyone is going to want you, and perhaps you're not as desirable as you thought you were. It sounds a bit selfish to say, but from how I feel now, that is exactly how I must have felt before. Years of me blaming the opposite person for all of my unhappiness, for all of our failure, now I'm seeing that perhaps it's just me who's been creating the platform on which all disaster collides.
I'm the builder of my own wrecking ball.
I couldn't tell one how I plan on changing the direction of this fog so that perhaps I could see the path laid out before me. Right now I'm taking numbers, suggestions, and complaints. I want to make those I care about happy to be with me. I don't want to be the person you're obligated to pick up. The person who everyone smiles at, but is glad to get rid of. I don't want to be that. I want so much more from myself. I want so much out of life that it destroys my heart everytime I get a glimpse of it growing further and further away.
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