Running in Circles

Around my unhappiness.
I can never seem to get enough of it. Or, even for a second, step away. Because even if I feel like I've drowned out the noise enough with something or someone else I've found, I always come back down and realize to put on my glasses. Which I've been wearing more lately. It's funny because I put them on and I immediately feel like "Shit this is what the world looks like." I suppose.
It is easier now to pretend.
I feel like I've gained the ability to simultaneously joke around and smile while also writing a self-deprecating blog such as this. I can have two totally different conversations, one where I'm laughing over something silly from a drunken night, and then perch on the edge of tears and a broken heart. I guess that's technology for ya. We're growing more and more into socially accepted bi-polar beings. And no one has to know it. Hell, I almost scare myself at how much pain I hear in my voice when I sing.
Because it seems to be the only time when I'm being honest.
And there I go again. Falling back into myself. Realizing what I am, what my name is, what I'm doing. It's hard to explain. But it almost hurts. Like I've been thrown back to earth, forced to glare into my eyes in a mirror and realize "fuck." What the fuck am I doing?