Really fuckin bad.
Man last night was pretty awesome. There you go, take that and make your own conclusions. Buy anywhoo... today is an important day. Not because it's said to be one in any calender( I don't think?) but because I symbolically believe it to be so. A friend of mine since 10th grade is leaving again to Pennsylvania, and it says a lot of me. First off, I texted him earlier this afternoon to see what he was up to. I'm not positive if his phone actually has any service on it but it's an attempt at friendly conversation. Which I believe he's been lacking. I can't say that i haven't perhaps contributed to this foul behavior against someone who is really in no position to be soaking any of it in. But, my friends do like to wallow in their negative behavior against each other and praise themselves for it. However, I'm sure some underlying hatred exists.
Or maybe not, who am I to say...
But in contrast to my outlook towards life recently, dreary I must admit... I'm trying to do something against the grain today. Be postive. I hope he calls me or something because I really have no plans today except for reading "A Modest Proposal" by Jonathan Swift and a chapter of " The Great Gastby". Not for any homework or school studying mind you... I just feel sort of retarded. I haven't read anything in so long, or at least paid any close attention to anything I've read. It was a goal of mine last year to get myself caught up with a bunch of Classic literature, because I felt like I was left out of so much educational opportunity in High School. I really hated the fact that I wasn't in Honors English or history. I really felt like I deserved it. And because of my agitation with my average ho-hum classes for those four years I lost so much motivation for school and didn't bother handing in any assignments, or at least on time. I wonder why my teachers never stopped to ask me why I was always handing things in late or not at all, and when I did actually hand in assignments I always got A's. That's high school education for ya.
They only really care about their job.
Which is quite unfortunate. Because they have none of my respect for those jobs they hold so dearly. Screw them. I wanted so much more for myself. Well, now it's in my hands to get myself out of this ditch where I lay and on solid ground. I missed the deadline to withdraw from classes... and I really did to drop West. Civ. only because I just haven't gone to class and I know I've missed the midterms and a helluva lot of vocab quizzes. Sad because I enjoyed that class a lot really. I don't know though. I feel like a lot of my failure in college hasn't been due to any inability to complete the course work, but because of outside hindering. Like the fact that I don't have my own car to drive myself to class, the library when I need to, or work. Ive been seriously considering taking the next fall semester off to work full-time and save money for a car. I want to take a good amount of classes this summer so I don't hurt myself too much, but i really think I need the time to work and get myself in the position I should have been in entering college.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
"Shouldn't you be in class right now?"
Um...yeah.
My god the trenches I let myself fall into. The ditches of which I willingly bury myself within. Knowingly falling into a deep and suffocating hole of dry and crumbling soil because I can't stand the blinding sun shining on the path above it. I spoke of reading maps. Well I may be able to read a map of intent, but my own map seems to be written in more than just Japanese. But in hieroglyphics and cuneiform as well. Some ancient road on which everyone trudges along. And it's so vast that it's hardly recognized as a road, it's so weathered and eroded that it may just look like a landscape, a country, a town.
Your town.
And I am one of the many who have just fallen into the many pits in this town. Some of us call it the unemployed, some say it's a college dropout. I'm so close to being permanently stamped as one of these imbeciles it's scary. I want so much for my life. So much more than people realize. I don't just want complacency. I want success and to reveal in that success. And it hurts when I call a potential employer and they're not impressed. It's so mind-numbingly painful when I miss class. Yes it hurts me. Because I want to be there, and I want to learn, and I want to expand my horizons. Because that's what Undergraduate college is really all about right? But I hold myself back. I must have invisible hands than confine me to the darkness of my bedroom and my own head. Because when I try to make moves and get where I want, I feel physically held down. And I can't seem to understand where the motive is... why I chain myself to failure. Hah, and it's worse because I'm totally aware of the dungeon in which I inhabit. This dungeon of life-long failure. Sometimes it seems as if I'm writing too morbidly for my cause. But it suits.
Everyone likes to ask the same questions.
But why? Is it because they really care about the state I'm in? Are they annoyed with how I could possibly taken them down the trenches with me? All of your good intentions are just sour notes to a beautiful composition. Flowing through my head. I'm stuck in ground right now. It's a tad difficult getting out.
My god the trenches I let myself fall into. The ditches of which I willingly bury myself within. Knowingly falling into a deep and suffocating hole of dry and crumbling soil because I can't stand the blinding sun shining on the path above it. I spoke of reading maps. Well I may be able to read a map of intent, but my own map seems to be written in more than just Japanese. But in hieroglyphics and cuneiform as well. Some ancient road on which everyone trudges along. And it's so vast that it's hardly recognized as a road, it's so weathered and eroded that it may just look like a landscape, a country, a town.
Your town.
And I am one of the many who have just fallen into the many pits in this town. Some of us call it the unemployed, some say it's a college dropout. I'm so close to being permanently stamped as one of these imbeciles it's scary. I want so much for my life. So much more than people realize. I don't just want complacency. I want success and to reveal in that success. And it hurts when I call a potential employer and they're not impressed. It's so mind-numbingly painful when I miss class. Yes it hurts me. Because I want to be there, and I want to learn, and I want to expand my horizons. Because that's what Undergraduate college is really all about right? But I hold myself back. I must have invisible hands than confine me to the darkness of my bedroom and my own head. Because when I try to make moves and get where I want, I feel physically held down. And I can't seem to understand where the motive is... why I chain myself to failure. Hah, and it's worse because I'm totally aware of the dungeon in which I inhabit. This dungeon of life-long failure. Sometimes it seems as if I'm writing too morbidly for my cause. But it suits.
Everyone likes to ask the same questions.
But why? Is it because they really care about the state I'm in? Are they annoyed with how I could possibly taken them down the trenches with me? All of your good intentions are just sour notes to a beautiful composition. Flowing through my head. I'm stuck in ground right now. It's a tad difficult getting out.
Friday, March 6, 2009
The tremors...
Of a sickness you refused to believe you had.
I was watching a psychologist earlier this morning and something hit me.
I was watching a psychologist earlier this morning and something hit me.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The rising of the concurrent
And all of its powers.
The past couple of days have been quite interesting to me. I like how I can never seem to surprise myself with my knowledge of myself. How I can really predict my inner most secret desires and their eventual actions. How I can feel the aura of someone I had just met and know who exactly they are, and what our relationship may have in store. I can even see the conflicting powers that can disrupt that relationship. In just the glimpses. It's unfortunate in my case because I love spontaneity. I suppose some people may think that I speak to swiftly, and with too much confidence in my intuition. But I assure you, it's more than that. It's a collection of interpreted instances where the eyes reveal whole intent. And remembering those instances. Then gathering that previous information and connecting it to certain outcomes, thus tracing it's path. And if you can understand the complex weaving of a path, then you can read any map.
Unless it appears to be written in Japanese.
Then you may have a problem. I've been hanging out past midnight society times pretty often for the past few days, with the same crew. Going in order of most appearances ; Dave, Desmond, Steve, D2, Mike, Garrett, Osiris, Nick and Jon. It's fun in its own way, an interesting bunch of kids without anything to do.
I got over that subject quick.
Perhaps for a reason I don't really want to admit yet. I'm tired now. Tired of knowing and then not knowing anything. Tired of having my intentions looked over.
The past couple of days have been quite interesting to me. I like how I can never seem to surprise myself with my knowledge of myself. How I can really predict my inner most secret desires and their eventual actions. How I can feel the aura of someone I had just met and know who exactly they are, and what our relationship may have in store. I can even see the conflicting powers that can disrupt that relationship. In just the glimpses. It's unfortunate in my case because I love spontaneity. I suppose some people may think that I speak to swiftly, and with too much confidence in my intuition. But I assure you, it's more than that. It's a collection of interpreted instances where the eyes reveal whole intent. And remembering those instances. Then gathering that previous information and connecting it to certain outcomes, thus tracing it's path. And if you can understand the complex weaving of a path, then you can read any map.
Unless it appears to be written in Japanese.
Then you may have a problem. I've been hanging out past midnight society times pretty often for the past few days, with the same crew. Going in order of most appearances ; Dave, Desmond, Steve, D2, Mike, Garrett, Osiris, Nick and Jon. It's fun in its own way, an interesting bunch of kids without anything to do.
I got over that subject quick.
Perhaps for a reason I don't really want to admit yet. I'm tired now. Tired of knowing and then not knowing anything. Tired of having my intentions looked over.
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