Thursday, February 26, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
I'd rather my eyes be scratched out.
Than any of this.
I can't handle all the stress. For a nineteen year old with no I.D, no job, no money whatsoever, nothing at all, there's really not much you can do besides be stressed out of your god damn mind. I feel like it's worse now somehow, like I have no where to turn to besides writing in this fuckin blog. I don't have friends. At least I don't have any friends who actually care about shit that I go through without comparing to their simple easy-going lives or talk up a storm about how bad their lives are. There is really no one who can just sit and listen. I have to dish out advice for everyone and when I'm feeling like shit it's literally like they could care less. I have good friends to hang out with, have fun, have some good laughs and good times with. But do I have friends who I can turn to when I'm feeling worn out? Without being scared that they're just gonna talk shit about me behind my back?
I can not begin to fathom the amount of times I've forgiven people for that shit.
I hate finding out when people say shit about me to other people. Shit that I confided in them with. Things that I thought I could trust them with and through all their obligatory nods and " aw I'm sorry" regurtitatences I thought they would be true friends. But those kinds of people don't seem to exist anymore. And I can't lie but it's gotten to me as well. I used to stick up for people, and listen to people, and try to help them genuinely with their situations. Now, hah, I roll my eyes and I give a sarcastic reply. I don't want to hear it. There have been so many times when I've stuck up to people talking shit about my friends and so many times where those same people let anyone talk shit about me whenever. I'm so sick of it. I'm so fucking alone it's ridiculous.
I have nothing and no one.
Shit is hitting the fan now. I'm really realizing this, and accepting it for the first time. I don't think there's a soul out there who actually knows me, and everything about me. No one at all.
Whatever
I can't handle all the stress. For a nineteen year old with no I.D, no job, no money whatsoever, nothing at all, there's really not much you can do besides be stressed out of your god damn mind. I feel like it's worse now somehow, like I have no where to turn to besides writing in this fuckin blog. I don't have friends. At least I don't have any friends who actually care about shit that I go through without comparing to their simple easy-going lives or talk up a storm about how bad their lives are. There is really no one who can just sit and listen. I have to dish out advice for everyone and when I'm feeling like shit it's literally like they could care less. I have good friends to hang out with, have fun, have some good laughs and good times with. But do I have friends who I can turn to when I'm feeling worn out? Without being scared that they're just gonna talk shit about me behind my back?
I can not begin to fathom the amount of times I've forgiven people for that shit.
I hate finding out when people say shit about me to other people. Shit that I confided in them with. Things that I thought I could trust them with and through all their obligatory nods and " aw I'm sorry" regurtitatences I thought they would be true friends. But those kinds of people don't seem to exist anymore. And I can't lie but it's gotten to me as well. I used to stick up for people, and listen to people, and try to help them genuinely with their situations. Now, hah, I roll my eyes and I give a sarcastic reply. I don't want to hear it. There have been so many times when I've stuck up to people talking shit about my friends and so many times where those same people let anyone talk shit about me whenever. I'm so sick of it. I'm so fucking alone it's ridiculous.
I have nothing and no one.
Shit is hitting the fan now. I'm really realizing this, and accepting it for the first time. I don't think there's a soul out there who actually knows me, and everything about me. No one at all.
Whatever
Monday, February 16, 2009
Irregularities
In a one month cycle
I know that I should be more informed when it comes to the motions of my inner systems. Ha, that or I've been seriously disillusioned by summer school health class. Sometimes I really do regret taking Health during the summer, I was always sweaty and tired and irritated. Plus I don't believe I actually ever learned anything in that class. Anyway, I'm just a bit annoyed with myself these days and the fact that my uterus can't seem to hold itself together for the damn 20 something days it's supposed to, really just adds to the pile of stress.
I feel as if I'm always annoyed of myself.
There's news for ya. Lets take this analysis step by step shall we? Right now I'm sitting in my sisters room using her computer, like I have been for the past 2 and a half weeks because the charger for my laptop is broken and I don't exactly have the money to get another one. So now I've got these curfews on how long I can be online and whatnot. Which is fair I know, it is her computer and I really shouldn't be sitting at a computer for hours at a time anyway. But now I feel this detachment from the world and everyone I know. I feel as if I haven't seen so many of my friends for weeks now. Not to say that the computer is the only way we communicate with each other, but since February 2nd I haven't had any phone service either. To my comforting grace, I've only gotten four text messages since that time. Am I really this alone? I feel myself slipping back into this vampish self-awareness. I'm lonely, I'm bored, and I'm not very productive either. I've been looking for a job ever since the beginning of Janurary and I couldn't tell you how many job applications I've put out. I have no money whatsoever.
There adds to the many annoyances of this era.
At least there's some good news. I've finally gotten hired at Sears as a shoe sales associate. Which sucks. I'm gonna be working off commision, which some guy Paul told me I'd be making more money than being a cashier. It's really unfortunate that I don't work at Forever 21 anymore, making 10.50 and all was really nice. I was supposed to have an interview at Shop Rite but that never happened. I don't even want to get into the irritation caused from that day. I had an interview today at Arbors Islandia, it's a living residence, and I'm pretty sure I'm hired. I have to get two references and then I'll be set up for a physical exam and a tuberculosis shot. Weird. Then orientation. I'm supposed to get a drug test tomorrow after school for my Sears job, after the results get in there I'll be up for orientation. My god, so much nonsense. I've never had to deal with all this at my other four jobs. I don't get it.
PLUS
My mom hasn't come back from New Mexico yet. So I haven't gotten my birth certificate fixed... it is truly useless to me. But just recently I found I could probably bring either my sister or grandmother to Town Hall in Islip and get a court order to say that they can help me get my birth certificate. So I'm gonna be trying hard for that. It's a little over 200 dollars, which is ridiculous but I really need this taken care of. I mean my sister has her liscense now. I don't even have my permit yet. I also need to take care of my financial aid situation, get this letter notarized and bring it back to the financial aid office. I'll do that tomorrow. From there hopefully shit will get on it's way.
Jesus christ...
I swear, I hope nothing else goes wrong.
I know that I should be more informed when it comes to the motions of my inner systems. Ha, that or I've been seriously disillusioned by summer school health class. Sometimes I really do regret taking Health during the summer, I was always sweaty and tired and irritated. Plus I don't believe I actually ever learned anything in that class. Anyway, I'm just a bit annoyed with myself these days and the fact that my uterus can't seem to hold itself together for the damn 20 something days it's supposed to, really just adds to the pile of stress.
I feel as if I'm always annoyed of myself.
There's news for ya. Lets take this analysis step by step shall we? Right now I'm sitting in my sisters room using her computer, like I have been for the past 2 and a half weeks because the charger for my laptop is broken and I don't exactly have the money to get another one. So now I've got these curfews on how long I can be online and whatnot. Which is fair I know, it is her computer and I really shouldn't be sitting at a computer for hours at a time anyway. But now I feel this detachment from the world and everyone I know. I feel as if I haven't seen so many of my friends for weeks now. Not to say that the computer is the only way we communicate with each other, but since February 2nd I haven't had any phone service either. To my comforting grace, I've only gotten four text messages since that time. Am I really this alone? I feel myself slipping back into this vampish self-awareness. I'm lonely, I'm bored, and I'm not very productive either. I've been looking for a job ever since the beginning of Janurary and I couldn't tell you how many job applications I've put out. I have no money whatsoever.
There adds to the many annoyances of this era.
At least there's some good news. I've finally gotten hired at Sears as a shoe sales associate. Which sucks. I'm gonna be working off commision, which some guy Paul told me I'd be making more money than being a cashier. It's really unfortunate that I don't work at Forever 21 anymore, making 10.50 and all was really nice. I was supposed to have an interview at Shop Rite but that never happened. I don't even want to get into the irritation caused from that day. I had an interview today at Arbors Islandia, it's a living residence, and I'm pretty sure I'm hired. I have to get two references and then I'll be set up for a physical exam and a tuberculosis shot. Weird. Then orientation. I'm supposed to get a drug test tomorrow after school for my Sears job, after the results get in there I'll be up for orientation. My god, so much nonsense. I've never had to deal with all this at my other four jobs. I don't get it.
PLUS
My mom hasn't come back from New Mexico yet. So I haven't gotten my birth certificate fixed... it is truly useless to me. But just recently I found I could probably bring either my sister or grandmother to Town Hall in Islip and get a court order to say that they can help me get my birth certificate. So I'm gonna be trying hard for that. It's a little over 200 dollars, which is ridiculous but I really need this taken care of. I mean my sister has her liscense now. I don't even have my permit yet. I also need to take care of my financial aid situation, get this letter notarized and bring it back to the financial aid office. I'll do that tomorrow. From there hopefully shit will get on it's way.
Jesus christ...
I swear, I hope nothing else goes wrong.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
My heart is No Holiday
But we can still celebrate Valentine's Day
Why? Well, why not? I honestly don't see the problem in enjoying a little of this mushy festivity once a year. Does that mean that I can't show I care about someone other times during the year. No. I still would and still do. Does that mean that I'm bound by commercial gimmicks to buy a ton of roses/chocolates and cards? No. Does this mean that I'm insincere and disillusioned when I tell someone "I love you, happy valentines day." Absolutely not.
Do you want to know what it does mean?
It means that I recognize this as a day that celebrates Love. And I love me some love. Just because a Holiday exists doesn't mean that every other day of the year, we forget about it. That's why the holiday exists in the first place, so that we make sure we don't forget. Or because that particular event was so powerful to us that we take time aside just for that event. In this case, emotion.
At least that's how I see it.
I love giving and getting valentines day cards and gifts. Not because I expect you to get me something better than the next girl, but because I hope that you can acknowledge this as a day to celebrate what we have together.
And why not?
Why? Well, why not? I honestly don't see the problem in enjoying a little of this mushy festivity once a year. Does that mean that I can't show I care about someone other times during the year. No. I still would and still do. Does that mean that I'm bound by commercial gimmicks to buy a ton of roses/chocolates and cards? No. Does this mean that I'm insincere and disillusioned when I tell someone "I love you, happy valentines day." Absolutely not.
Do you want to know what it does mean?
It means that I recognize this as a day that celebrates Love. And I love me some love. Just because a Holiday exists doesn't mean that every other day of the year, we forget about it. That's why the holiday exists in the first place, so that we make sure we don't forget. Or because that particular event was so powerful to us that we take time aside just for that event. In this case, emotion.
At least that's how I see it.
I love giving and getting valentines day cards and gifts. Not because I expect you to get me something better than the next girl, but because I hope that you can acknowledge this as a day to celebrate what we have together.
And why not?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)