My favorite season is Autumn

May its air decay within me.
And all the shit that's stuck in there. It's sad. I really do love November, and I have one post to commemorate it's existence and it's past due. Yet, everything is past due when it comes to me. My feelings, reactions, and my understanding. I've done quite a good job of ignoring my feelings last night today. Work has a tendency to ease the pressures of personal woes. I love it for that. I didn't even care that I didn't make much money. I just didn't want to be home, stuck to myself, wallowing in the pool of pity I created. Instead today I cleaning... scrubbed at that, everything I could. Sort of a compulsive behavior I acquire when I feel stained inside. I start to clean everything around me, because those are things I can actually wipe clean. Unlike my heart and my fucking issues.
So here I am scrubbing out the stains.
Pruning my hands in the process. I indulged myself in other peoples lives, their stories and worries. Once in a while I couldn't help but compare their simple quips with their friends and loved ones to the enormous quip raging in me with my friends. Lately I've been hearing a lot of shit. Not like I'm not used to hearing stupid shit spread around about me but this time it was like... everyone who I hold close to me. And close is a stretch. It's like I've been holding people at arms length from me for so long. And now I see that instead of facing them with open palms I'm going to need to start turning the other way. It's upsetting. I can feel tears in my throat but it's not enough to make them come out just yet.
And someone told me I'm just being paranoid.
Well here's to that. First off, nobody pays attention to things that people say. I'm not willing to stand around and put up with people who talk shit about you and act like it's okay to do that. I don't want friends who I can't even talk to about how I feel without telling me I'm overreacting, or I'm stupid. Sometimes I understand that I do overreact to some things that I should just brush off. But it's hard to brush everything off all the time, especially doing it alone. Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and tell me that it's okay to feel how I feel sometimes. That it's okay to be upset and that I'll get over it with time. I hate friends who just criticize you all the time. I hate friends who are never there for you and make up excuses to why they're busy or why you guys should talk later. I hate having friends who follow everyone elses word without having their own opinion. I hate when friends do shit just to make you mad and then act like shit is all better when they explain it was a joke. Once or twice is fine. But you need to grow up afterward. I hate having friends who act nice to your face but agrees with everything your crazy ex says about you. I hate having friends who tell everyone and their mom not to be associated with you because of one fuck up that happened five years ago with a guy who was an overbearing and controlling freak to begin with. I hate friends who pretend they're straight up with you and yet say worse shit to everyone else. I hate when people assume shit about me with very little or no information at all. And I hate having friends who never stick up for you or defend you when you've been defending them for years.
Yeah. You.