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I've got ten minutes

At best.
Because I'm strangling time as always. I have work tonight at wonderful Johnny Rockets 4-11 or 10:30, depending on business and if I actually put my mind into doing sidework quickly. Granted it's difficult sidework. Hopefully I get something mind numbing easy like straws, or napkins. I think I've got a clean uniform ready... of course I won't go check. I'll just have to find out when it's too late to do anything about it =).
Just seems to work better that way.
I've been meaning to write sooner, and more frequently. It was actually apart of my new years resolutions... the ones I sorta pretended I wasn't going to make but of course you make them anyway. Well yeah, here sipping away at a Dunkin Donuts "latte" with skim milk and cinnamon syrup. The girl made it a bit too dry for my liking. But yes, of course that's another part of my new years resolutions in effect. Losing weight. Wah wah, yes I know. Right now I'm at a whooping 135lb's. I would love to drop down to a 120. So lovely. Even the number looks lovelier. 120. *sigh* I was exercising and eating salads before, and I lost weight pretty quickly I was a nice 130-128lb's. So I think with the upcoming summer bikini nightmare season, I should have plenty of motivation to get me through that extra 8-10lbs. But that's just me being silly and an insecure female.
Another resolution.
Stop being that insecure silly female. The one who takes sooo long getting ready because she feels like she needs to do a million things just to make herself presentable. And it's so odd at the same time, because I actually feel like... prettier than most other females most of the time. It's just those few times when I see a really beautiful girl or pictures of celebrities looking flawless when I start to feel inferior. So now it's a question of, okay should I focus on getting myself to look like them? Or should I change my focus and re-prioritize whats actually important in life. Intelligence, health, love, friends, family and of course money.
Because money is everything
And that's exactly why my ten minutes are up, 1 minute left to be precise, and I've got to get ready in 1/2 an hour to look pretty for work. *sigh* This was a silly post. But I just had to do it, just to get myself writing again.
Whatever

I don't want to do this anymore.

The rejection only hurts more.
2010 isn't looking bright for me. I wanted to start the year off in a positive state of mind, and it was so difficult to do that trust me. And once things started to feel like they were bearable and that I was strong enough to smile through what I hated one thing had to make me snap. I lost my grip on the strings and I fell apart. For the past four years I've been dealing with the same situations, the same people, the same fucked up feelings the same outcomes. No matter how much I have to put up with some guy who doesn't love me and all his shit, the more it hurts.
I don't want to make a resolution.
I just want people to leave me alone. I don't want to be friends with benefits. I don't want to be lonely all the time. I don't want to be blamed. I'm so tired. I've said that before. I always just make myself believe in love. And it just doesn't exist for me.
I dont have anything else to say.

My favorite season is Autumn

May its air decay within me.
And all the shit that's stuck in there. It's sad. I really do love November, and I have one post to commemorate it's existence and it's past due. Yet, everything is past due when it comes to me. My feelings, reactions, and my understanding. I've done quite a good job of ignoring my feelings last night today. Work has a tendency to ease the pressures of personal woes. I love it for that. I didn't even care that I didn't make much money. I just didn't want to be home, stuck to myself, wallowing in the pool of pity I created. Instead today I cleaning... scrubbed at that, everything I could. Sort of a compulsive behavior I acquire when I feel stained inside. I start to clean everything around me, because those are things I can actually wipe clean. Unlike my heart and my fucking issues.
So here I am scrubbing out the stains.
Pruning my hands in the process. I indulged myself in other peoples lives, their stories and worries. Once in a while I couldn't help but compare their simple quips with their friends and loved ones to the enormous quip raging in me with my friends. Lately I've been hearing a lot of shit. Not like I'm not used to hearing stupid shit spread around about me but this time it was like... everyone who I hold close to me. And close is a stretch. It's like I've been holding people at arms length from me for so long. And now I see that instead of facing them with open palms I'm going to need to start turning the other way. It's upsetting. I can feel tears in my throat but it's not enough to make them come out just yet.
And someone told me I'm just being paranoid.
Well here's to that. First off, nobody pays attention to things that people say. I'm not willing to stand around and put up with people who talk shit about you and act like it's okay to do that. I don't want friends who I can't even talk to about how I feel without telling me I'm overreacting, or I'm stupid. Sometimes I understand that I do overreact to some things that I should just brush off. But it's hard to brush everything off all the time, especially doing it alone. Sometimes I just want someone to listen to me and tell me that it's okay to feel how I feel sometimes. That it's okay to be upset and that I'll get over it with time. I hate friends who just criticize you all the time. I hate friends who are never there for you and make up excuses to why they're busy or why you guys should talk later. I hate having friends who follow everyone elses word without having their own opinion. I hate when friends do shit just to make you mad and then act like shit is all better when they explain it was a joke. Once or twice is fine. But you need to grow up afterward. I hate having friends who act nice to your face but agrees with everything your crazy ex says about you. I hate having friends who tell everyone and their mom not to be associated with you because of one fuck up that happened five years ago with a guy who was an overbearing and controlling freak to begin with. I hate friends who pretend they're straight up with you and yet say worse shit to everyone else. I hate when people assume shit about me with very little or no information at all. And I hate having friends who never stick up for you or defend you when you've been defending them for years.
Yeah. You.

Living life in smoke.

I smoked five cigarettes the past two days.
Am I proud? I don't think I care actually. I'm really starting not to care about a lot of things. I'm tired of stressing out, getting pimples and such. Feeling like I need drugs and alcohol to make me feel okay. I don't necessarily want to smoke, or poison my body any further. But it just feels so good so inhale a warm and thick comforting cloud into my lungs like it can block out all the negative feels that are swarming around in there. Like a blanket I guess. I just really want a nice to get seriously, and sorry to be so vulgar, fucked up. I want to start off with some liquor, beer, weed, cocaine, ciggs, and shyt whatever else my sand pile of a brain will be up for. I want that blanket in my body.
I've been freezing.
My emotions are at a stand still. I can't feel much more than recognition. It's a little frustrating to be quite honest. I feel like, especially now, people have been asking me how I feel, what I think. And I sit there and I stare into their confused expressions and I can't find words to describe what I'm thinking. Perhaps I really am just not thinking about anything at all. My heart is frozen solid. The constant cracks to my chest have just made me feel numb.
Not even for a little while.
But for a few months. I just want to leave. Pack up my things and go and keep going. I want a new environment. I want new experiences. I want to leave these shitty feelings and memories behind. I want to leave everyone and everything.

Wasting what I have until my heart is full.

Covering myself in wool
I'm a little tired at the moment. I had quite the day. School until 5:50, then I went to target to do some compulsive shopping. Came home and played guitar, then I went out again to pick up Osiris and James and went to the Smithhaven mall. Where I also did a lot of compulsive shopping. Almost lost my debit card in Aerie. Made a fool of myself in Victorias Secret.
I make quite the fool.
I suppose that's just something I do.

This loneliness is almost tangible.

So much that I can even feel it trying to touch me.
Could last night have gone better? Absolutely. But am I going to reach out and explain what I wanted from it? Would I ever try to make the things I want to happen, say... happen? Of course not. Because that's how I am. I'm afraid and I struggle through the complicated weaving's of peoples thoughts. I try to decode the things I don't hear and turn the maybe whispers into loud and screaming signs. And I can't help but keep listening to things that aren't speaking to me. It doesn't quite help when last night I was listening for something that was honestly, not speaking to me whatsoever. Then again not speaking at all, is speaking a whole lot to you.
Or am I just confusing myself.
I finally had a saturday off, only because a girl at my job wanted to work an extra day and I was fine letting her take it. Letting her take 150 dollars pretty much. So I woke up early, excited. Pathetic. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and asked nearly everyone what the plans for the day were. Most people didn't have plans as usual. But it's always intriguing to find out what we end up doing. Some people had some set-in-stone plans. Numerous birthday parties, costume parties, clubs, movie and food nights. I decided to do something different and hang out with a bunch of well... strangers. I made some friends. There was a math equation invovled here however. The kind where there are a number of variables, and each variable is affected by a new added variable, which changes the whole outcome of all the variables combined, however you can't combine these variables. There's just these parenthesis that are sluggishly connected to the original variables when they go through the process of trying to be combined. Sometimes connections just don't work. Sometimes they just stick to your side for a while like two pieces that don't fit together no matter which way you try. That was my night last night.
Of course I could just be making things harder for myself than they should be.
As usual. And then I get home and I'm anxious to relieve some stress and some built up emotion. But that didn't happen the way it was supposed to. Instead I was given more reasons to be upset at myself and my situation in life. And instead of feeling like I did a week or two about it,which wasn't so bad now, I feel numb. There's nothing to look forward to anymore. There's nothing to fall back on. There's absolutely no reason to cry. Although I will.
Because I always do.