Email to another Professor

Via blackberry.
While I'm listening to Pretty.Odd. by Panic! at the Disco. Once again some higher power has granted me yet another chance to succed. Or at least get by... My fault of course. There are some decisions in my life that I've always seemed to struggle with. The choice between work and play. I know that everyone struggles with this from time to time, but sometimes I feel like if I choose work that I'm only hurting myself. Not only in ways of social detriment and exclusion ( which might I add always is an outcome when I choose work). But I feel like many times, there is no point for work for me. Like no matter how hard I'm working, how "on top of things" i am, it won't make a difference for my future.
I think it's the way I was raised.
My mother seemed to work hard. And, it was like the harder she worked, the worse things became. The worse our relationship with her was, the worse her relationships with other people seemed to be. Then in the end it only ended in her losing a job, dropping out of school. The list goes on. I fear turning into my mother. Only because I fear the horrible things that happen to good people. So in a way i feel like lately, I've been trying to not appear like a good person. And you know what happens to people who are never without their masks... I've started to become a horrible person.
And I am almost proud of myself.
I take advantage of people, I lie, I cheat my way out of situations. My memory is amazing. I've only come out on top because of this... So when it comes between truly working towards something, I get afraid. Because I can't use my mask, only my hands.
My hands are weak.